Confidence, confidence, confidence, trick!
Ngyah! The c trick is weighing a little on me. This stage of the pushcart process is a bitch. Trying to break into a social network is hard under the best of conditions, trying to break into one and secure a valuable permit out of a limited supply is harder. Fuck the city government for making it so difficult!
So, as usual, the proffered answer of our cultural conditioning: confidence. Once you got it, so we are told, you can barrel through social uncertainty without a second thought. Just be confident!
Bullshit. That approach can only defer uncertainty and compress it into savage cataclysm, rending moments of punctuation to the general oblivion. Counterpose that to the philosophy of planning. This is what I have been working on this afternoon.
I was hoping to get out today and hit the pavement and try to make some contacts. Getting my face out on the street is half the challenge. From there it is just a matter of playing the spider-game: waiting, repairing the web, waiting, checking the strands for vibrations, and more waiting (sounds kinda like getting visitors to a website, don't it?). This is a process I understand, not perfectly perhaps, but as well as I can without more practice. So Just Do It! Right?
I don't think so. The general plan is there, but there is also a need for a specific plan. There is the plan for a day -- that's what tripped me up today. Last night we said: "OK, we'll wake up whenever, if we feel it we'll do it, and if it doesn't happen tomorrow, that's ok." This, in my experience, never gets it done (not during daylight hours, anyhow). Which is OK -- we've had a busy few days and we needed a today off. But we would have done better to plan today as a preparatory day. The way it worked out, there is uncertainty, and I sorta feel like I should have gone out today, but I know that it wasn't really possible, etc. Recriminations a-plenty. Lost time. Maybe I should re-name myself Tom Perdu.
An' I start to see myself feeling around for a little CONfidence.
Ah shit, this don' go anywhere good.
Gotta get outta that:
NOT A THROUGHWAY, SEEK ALTERNATIVE ROUTE.
Thanks for the tip, buddy.
So I pull myself together and start trying to remember about the plan. Where can I put myself into it? Stay calm. Breathe into the plan and make a little space for the present.
I decide (after consulting Molly) call back my dad and agree to go over for dinner. Good, get back into time. I call back my boss and agree to work on friday; this was a no-brainer -- I've already dedicated thurs-sun to working there.
I decide to trim my beard, get my hair under control. Important to look right for best contact (tonight and tomorrow). Molly suggests I might ware my contacts for the pushcart interviews (my glasses are tinted and can create unwanted distance). I'll try out wearing them today. I remember Zero Effect -- how important disguises are for following the traces: (if I remember right) "Blending in is easy. Simply look at how other people behave, and behave like them."
We'll take a walk before going over. We'll get food and enjoy the pleasant weather. By the time we leave, it'll be dark, and the rules change...
Molly gets into some work on the computer, and I sit down to blog...another crisis handled with style...until next time...
Posted by Sam at April 22, 2003 04:21 PM
