House of Paine

gang of eight re-union

   geez co-incidence can be spooky

here i am reviewing
the polit-bureau exit strategy 
and what to my surprise

 i come across 
  this story form the isles 
           where 
the palm trees sway
                 and 
         the nights are  gay 

======================================


  tahiti 
august 18 2001

 

 under a weirdly
 "faked up "
12 foot high  
 portrait picture
                       of  leonid brezhnev 
                                     and david rockefeller
                                     lustily  shaking each others hands 
 
a wild medley 
 of gerrulous slavic types
          held an anniversary
                party   here at the surf rider tonite 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
  calling themselves
          " THE  gang of 8"
 and claiming to be 
   the  ring leaders 
       of the  infamous  
                           " soviet twilight"  
                           coup    attempt 
                                     that started by 
                                             making world headlines 
                               after they held 
                        president mikhail gorbachev  
                     against his will at a resort villa in the crimea 
                             and declared an emergency government 
                                    that came crashing down  
                                    4 days later 
                                      in anticlimax and
                                                     farcical failure 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

    the  party " a tenth anniversary celebration"
 went on  well into  the night
with much revelling and horse play 

it was an odd sight indeed
               on  this balmy august night 
               
                                   at one point 
                             the "8"
all    pulling side arms
     and   joining  in a  firery 
                 salute  
           
        to
           
           " Wall Street Tahiti and the KGB "

-------------------------------------------------------- 

surrounded by escorts

"three to a man"


all  8 
 of these
        gents
 seemed to be having
pretty close to  the time of their life


decked out
 in identical tie -dyed shirts
and  
  bright red campaign shorts 
among other things

       they spared no  innocent bystanders 

  " we are here to raise the roof
         and lower the boom "
               as one of them said 
waving an automatic at one passer by 

           perhaps not surpirisingly
given the circumstances 

they all
steadfastly   refused 
to even respond 
         to doubts about 
                           their authenticity 

nope 

despite the hard to swallow 
         nature of it all

 they were sticking to their story

" we  are indeed
 
the  infamous "gang of eight "

and who are they ?

well 
they are 
the  soviet communist party
  inner    clique
that tried and failed miserably 
 to replace 
party leader
and  soviet union  president  mikhail gorbachev 
with 
a " state committee of emergency  "

---------------------------------------------------


yes they failed in their mission
back  10 years ago 

but 
  their reckless actions
              did  have huge lasting results

     precipitating in fact  
what proved to be the final 
collapse of the  soviet union itself

 and 
    right along with it 

  the fast and fatal fall 
                       of the political career 
                                   of their coup target 
                                                     mikhail gorbachev  

------------------------------------------------------------
    
  and hey maybe 
    they failed utterly and totally
    back then 
 but  tonite
you'd think they'd won 


 in several toasts
members of the "8"
    proudly refering 
     to themselves
        as the   
 " banana heads "
seemed
to act far more like
 all was for the best
then like good losers

-----------------------------------------------------
" we are 
           those magnificent 
              world historical 
                             clowns  
those   god damn fucking upside down wrong way to
                                                                           idiots
                      that  managed to produce
                        the negation 
                                    of their own negation "
as one put it 
while beaming
 like the father of a sexy bride   


------------------------------------
if in fact 
they really  are
 who they say they are

and i  confess
so far its looking plausible
even though 
i have yet to match
all the  pictures 
here availible 
from then and now 

but if so

then our fair 
island  home 
   our dearest 
           tahiti

  this evening 
hosted quite 
the  most extra ordinary 
  one off party of the season 

----------------------------------------------


 I FOR 
 one could not  imagine
 these  same slippery tongued
                                    punchy acting   guys 
doing the hula to  santo and johnny
smashing  pine apples  halves 
  over the wait staffs heads
and
 flinging frizbees at each other

 frzbees with 
the faces of yeltsin and gorbachev
on them 

 are  the same 
 grim faced 
apparachiks 
 who  back 
in    1991   
    held          
 the entire  world 
        in suspense
                   for 
                  four harrowing  days
                                          in late   august  

                                         before their plot began to wobble  
  
  and  then suddenly fell to pieces 

"like something 
    out of the world 
     of ernest lubisch "'

as one of them said 
giving  off with  a huge whinny afterwards 

  " what a loony stunt "
-------------------------------------------------

(PINKY
           here's a second column
                                      SAME AUTHOR  same subject)
-------------------------------------------------------

thought i mght
run past  one more time

that odd ball 
anniversary party 
over at the surf rider 
i reported on two days ago

-------------------------------------

first off the pictures 
of the alleged gang of 8
mug for mug 
look close

close enough 
unless some one is staging 
one of those look alike  party showcases

you know with a  near miss madoona 
and a close call  tina
 and a not far off  trump 


these guys look
like  really plausible results
of  what 10 years might bring 
to the guys from the coup clip files 

but you judge

we've   printed  above
 the match ups for ya

 on 6 of em

-------------------------------------------

well
 real or mock

 here they all were 
 
basking in one of our 
 near perfect south seaside  dusks
 
looking
remarkably

RELAXED  TANNED RESTED 
AND ENJOYING EVERY HIGH OCTANE 
MINUTE OF THE CELEBRATION
 
which has to be 
amazing really 
especially for 
a bunch of self styled
"'party hacks  "  

guys  
who TEN  YEARS  ago 
monday 
 tried to turn 

the kold war clock back to midnight 
 
and instead ended up 
"in solid  confinement "
for three  whole years 


--------------------------------------------


no they look mighty fine indeed

' like thousand watt bulbs "
as one of them laughingly shouted
over  a jimmy buffet song 

maybe thats because 
after their stretch in prison
they received

"A solid gold amnesty "
 in '94


and headed for

" far away parts ....
 warm and cuddly far away parts "

even so 
 
believe me 
oh ye ever so  loyal 
column readers

never have these 
jade tinged eye balls  seen 
a stranger sight


by gones 
more  surely 
have never seemed to be 
 by gones

watching 
 this  motley octette  
in the matching short sleeve 
hip length
open neck  shirts

DANCING 
 SINGING 
 AND CLINKING 
 "booze" GLASSES
                             TOGETHER

AMIDST THE TRANQUIL TROPICAL SPENDOR
OF THIS ISLAND NATION
                                          AT SUNSET 

THAT IS TRANQUIL PRIOR TO THE PINE APPLE FIGHT

AND THE FLIGHT OF THE RED VS BLUE FRZBEES 

and the revolver fusilades 

OF COURSE NOTHING LASTS FOR EVER 

and so indeed 
finally 
ALL SETTLED DOWN 
BY DAWN 

WHEN
SALUTING THE RISING SUN
 THE FINAL
'EIGHT - MAN "
STANDING
YURI PLEKHANOV
IN A  LAST TOAST
 
  fired off a round 
 AT THE RED BALL IN THE EAST  

AND SHOUTED 

"TO  THIS GREATEST
 OF 
ALL THE GLOBE'S 
WARM  SHIT HOLES
 
TO MY BELOVED TAHITI
WHO GOT  ABSOLUTELY 
 NO  EXTRADITION TREATY "

 
----------------------------------------------------
P.S.

 HERES
AN " ISLAND ECHO "
EXCLUSIVE:

MAYBE I DO KNOW WHY THE PARADOX OF GAYITY IS NOT SO STRANGE AFTER ALL...



at one point 
later on 
after 
a few too many  rounds 

 no strike that 

after a lot too many  rounds 

one of the "8"

told your humble reporter
an uterly amazing tale 

he was this 
                  ever so  beaky looking  chap
with a shock
                 of pure white hair 

wire hard  hands 
and  
arms and legs
thin as a tidal  crane

he'd  told me
 his name was  
valery yazov 

and that  he was  
 the grand son 
of the famed 30's terror lord 
                   of the same name 

"yup my grand pa pa 
is famous too
famous for 
 killing
 thousands apon thousands 
of his fellow party members"


well
there he was 
the grand son of a butcher

taking
 down belt after belt
of "rum ta ta 's"
 as he called them 

made with 

"sugar free rum"

and  
with
 two local 
ultra mellow
deep deep chested
 "brown dumplings"
on his lap

after a long stretch of "necking"

seems
 he wanted to talk some to me 

and  eventually
 out came 
this startling revelation 


needless to say 
as you will realize

he insisted  

" this iz completely 
on the record 
 print what you want"

why?

"cause for certain 
it won't be believed
           even without 
the  firm  denials we all will give it "

-------------------------------------------------------------
 at any rate
for entertainment purposes only 

here's
 some of what he said ....

" we were supposed to fail "

                    " it was a hoax coup not a real coup"
  if you remember there were light  casualties 
 two shot one crushed by a tank
   and even that was phoney
the two shot guys were KGB in trick jackets
the crushed guy was already dead
 some drunk fished out of the river 
that very  morning"
 
 no they never intended to succeed

" think about it 
is anyone that  stupid"

 nope
their "bloodless"
 attempt
to  depose
 the soviet president 
mikhail  gorbachev
  was a planned fiasco

" we were just trying 
to topple the fuckin party
              by exposing 
            its reactionary blood drenched heart
          smash its reputation 
                          once and for all
                                              and we did 
                                                                                                         didn't we "

 

" maybe don't print this part 
in the header 
if you want a little sleep 
over the next few weeks
               but 
wall street paid us handsomely
          for our services
 several billions in fact all told  "

 according to yazov 

"the sell out"
 was a 

" last gasp   "
           of
 a" great master bargain"

"to sell out the revolution
         real big time
               while still on top"

between the
then  soviet  politbureau 
and 
guys like 
                   the  "Chase Manhattan Bank crowd"

according to yazov 

the on - off  negotiations  
went all the way back 
         to the early 1970's

"to the old honey bear days of leonid brezhnev"

they continued 

 " passed the death of brezhnev"

" right on up till 
that dumbo gorbachev
 fucked it all up 
            by playing mr cave in  "

 despite never pulling the big one off f

according to yazov

"a few of us figured 
hey maybe we can
 pull a little one off here
     as a  last act  "

and sure enough 
there were open ears on wall street

" maybe they liked the staus quo 
too much to grab at the earlier deals
but by 89 
things were gettin different 
they didn't like 
the whole arc of 
              the gorby act
                      nope not  one fucking bit "

" so we got a nice  contract
 out of the bastards

       a real honest 
             quid pro quo

we destroy the party
they take care of uz

 snatch  gorby
talk large 
and fumbling  our muscle move 

and after 
our  
disgraceful coup attempt 

 turns aflopper
we give up like lambs "

  "by the way 
 we'd 
tipped off yeltsin's people 
 ahead of time"

" needless to say
bullet proof boris 
up their on that tank 
had nothing to fear
besides
 slipping on his head 
cause of his shiny soled  dress shoes  "

" and 
when as a matter
 of  course 
we fell on our faces
didn't we  
make that blow hard yeltsin 
a hero of our time "


" a twofer
it was
yeltsin up 
and 
 old stain skull mike 
down
hell he looked worse then we did
after the dust settled
the silly fool
trusting to his righteous cause
what an ass 
nope
he came 
right on  down with uz 
the job was a clean sweep "


" 
as our reward 
we got  
a  soft landing spot
paid for in full 
by wall street 
that iz 
after a few years 
of lsilk stocking 
 security confinement  

 party party party


never had so many women 
in my life 
as i had
there in lubianka

 during those three years 
we had some fine times

too bad some of us 
liked little boys
  fucking boozin  boris 
wasn't  into
 the wild side you know "

"well thats it
 except the happy ending
 after 94
and as to that well  
              viola "

 " hey 
at least you got
 to agree 
we must have don't it just right
cause  
wall street
 kept its side of the bargain 
and  you know thats got to be rare 
as feet on a cobra "

==============================