House of Paine

border wall

  every once in a while i see something 
on the web 
worth  copying 
here’s one I found 
still can’t imagine how stuff
like this can’t make it over
the press corps fit to print bar 





 by the way i couldn’t fucking figure how to copy it 
so this is a retype off my hand copy 
the site is

 dbob@surfsup.com 
-----------------------------------------------------------

   dollar Dave Bobrick’s  

BEAT THE FEDS 
 SLOWLY 


EPISODE 372
-------------------------------------------------------------

 the fall of  Barrier H

OR
HOW THE FLYING FARTTRESSES 
got flacked out of the air 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------

once again 
 greetings from  planet pineapple  
 my fellow americans 


lets get right to it 

seems
 just last week 
 while I was posting 
  my take on 
 the privatization  of the  interstate highway  
  
  you all out there in taxville 
may have actually
 dodged  a big one
 for once 
   

by the way 
the score 
so far this year
after 303 days is 

 uncle’s COUSIN  IT 
 176 porkers thru 
thegoldengate 
 and you  ass hole tax
rubes 
three  buffalo robes 
and a bread knife 

LISTEN UP

scene one 

 its mid day inside the beltway 
maybe all across  america suckers 
like you are  working   
their donkey  tails off

but here in 
the DISTRICT of 
 COLUMBIA
the  hula boys
are just a  wigglin to the wonder of it all 

cause 
 suddenly out of nowhere 
a dangerously out of control 
ufo
crashed and burned 
right on our  MEXICAN  border

thats right U F O 
undeclared federal  operation 

here’s the back story :


 seems  the good old 
 Border Patrol
all puffed out with nearly unspendable billions 
after  9/11 
has been keeping 
a lot of smart staff types 
up late nites
 for over a year now 
crafting a little something
 they  call
the  Barrier H project 
  (H one presumes as in 
 preparation H)
 
 and what is a BARRIER H 
you ask 

well its  a plan to protect
all  us yankee doodles 
 from  just about anything 
and  everything 
 headed our way  
from south of the Mexico border 

makes sense doesn’t it 

what with millions of illegals
 darting back and forth
day in and day out 
like the borders less of an obstacle 
for them 
then joe joe’s limbo stick 


  hell cousin 
you and i and everyone else 
knows 
they got a regular devil’s kingdom 
doing on down there 
fuck  its like ants at a picnic 

 and you know 
   the kind a things
they ‘re bringing over
 
they ‘re  the kinda things 
we Americans   never 
seem to have enough of 
bad depraved decadent things
 life warpers 
and slayers of the nobler spirits

  oh America  America 
check yourself in  for pity sake 

nope never we won’t do it 

face it  we’re all  up here just 
waiting around  
cash in hand to be
 satisfied gratified fructified  and wastefied  
by what those small folk is bringing us 

you name it here they come 
drugs whores clone parts
   leaf blowers tater pickers 
sheet changers toxic waste swallowers 
dishwashers   dicechasers
and dancing dwarfs 

   and every  last one of em  packing
 goodies for gringo daddy’s
lovin mama

if it fits 
   under their caps 
beneath their  serappys
 inside their crotches up their asses 
they be  packing it 
 every last fucking  feasible 
brand of  human temptation 

yes sir 
and plus  also 
just for old
 MR BIG P HIMSELF 
they ‘re bring themselves 

millions and   million’s 
of  well tanned human  hides 
HE CAN  work 
and work
 AND WORK
till the sky falls 
or 
 their blunt latin 
 bones crack 
 


PLUS
NOW NOW NOW 

 SINCE 9/11
 we got 

TERRORNAUTS TOYS TOO 

yes them  too

THEM filthy
stinking WMD ‘s

cause up north 
THE SLEEPER CELLS 
 are waitin’
------------------------
none of  this
 is strictly speaking 
healthy for us 


so dang it 
  the border patrol 
decided to put a stop to it 

 they assembled 
 a crew of  mid level staffers  
 and   a  bunch of dollar a second 
private sector brainiacs  
(sponsored by “ interested   industry lobbies ”) 
and of couse some Isreali’s 
cause they ‘re already building one of these 
border barriers 

 “take off your bow ties boys and see if 
you can find us 
 a doable effective full time 
 boundry  blocker ”


 hence we have :
  
 the barrier h project 



 and 
what  a remarkable  range
 of totally ass backwards 
dick in the soup 
  fix-its these guys 
 managed to come 
 up with 

take this  early  entry :

at first blush it just sounds obvious and boring 
  
 get the Mexicans  to build 
all along the south 
  side of the border   
  one  massive continuous 24 foot high
  8 foot thick  concrete wall 

then 
stud the shit out of the sucker 
 with razor wire
 glass shards  
 wrought iron shooting  barbs
trap floors and sundry other 
 trip wires and booby snares

“ the whole fucking thing 
was kind of a sub Zorro 
 border disney 
 slings and arrows type of gimmick ”
as one observer told me 


but heres 
 the  sweetener
heres why i for one like this idea 

 on the far side of the wall 
 out of sight of the unsuspecting intruders 
even after  they have some how made a 
 successful clamber
over and through all them  aztec gothicisms 
waiting for them state side unseen and unseeable 
are a vicious   series of camoflaged  caldrons

thats right 
the plan called for  
 all together over ten billion gallons 
of    moat equivalent  intermittent 
 obstructions 
brimming with  boiling skin cooking 
 soapy toxic  sludge   

“a Normandy beach type set up” 
 says the same  observer 
 “only a thousand miles long 
but this landing site 
 turns out to be actually 
an invitation to a
one time only  boiler rama ”
   at first it just seemed firm 
but then 
 someone started calling them 
“ scaldrons ”.
 and then
ofcourse it was only a short hop to
 “ Mr  taco’s  hot  tubs ”
and soon enough 
it was laughed of the drawing boards 

but listen bub 
don’t tell me uncle can’t 
get down when he wants to 

----------------------------------------------------------

   altogether 11 different system solutions 
 were laid out  before the roof caved in 
on the whole process late  last week 
and there was a winner too

and  here it is  
heres the gauntlet surviver 

and let me tell you it sure is a winner 
 in fact i venture to say 
it may be  one for the time capsule  
 


 feature this taxpayers 
first off no wall 
nope 
instead we got high high tech 

we got 
a multi squadron fleet  of 
linger and loiter 
perch and ponder 
 hover and hammer 
satellite guided
automatic aerial 
 flying   systems

provisionally  dubbed
   SUN HAWKS 

these perfectly harm free and totally humane
 18 foot wing spanned 
solar powered drones
WHEN AND IF EVER BUILT 
WOULD HAVE BEEN THE MARVEL OF THE AGE 

 state of the art  AND THEN SOME 
able to   
 cicling in  flocks 
FLY FLAT OUT AT 300 MPH
flap their wings tirelessly 
soar and zoom and dive 
for hours on end 


can you see them up there 
high above the border
waiting and watching 
ready at an instants notice 
 to  snap into action 
   commanded  with complete reliability 
by satellite eyes  
poised above them in   geo synchronous   
 orbit  
satellite eyes 
 able to detect the body heat glow 
of  a wet back cringing 
under a twenty foot overhang 

  
each  robo bird would be 
  equipped with 
 a  latest generation anti -personnel  sprayer
 able when flock fired 
 to  envelope an entire  crossing area 
with  a  fool proof
 knock out mist 
able to give
 any unauthorized  migrants 
 in the area    a seven hour siesta 

and thats more then enough time 
   for the Federales
  to get to them ,  scoop ‘em up and 
 transport  ‘em to the nearest 
Mexican slammer 

as one marginally involved staffer  told me 
 “ its from the British late thirties movie 
 SHAPES of THINGS to COME 
these fruity tech  guys in  matching jump suits 
fly this huge cigar ship around 
spraying the shit out of a world full of 
POST ARMEGEDON RAG TAG  WARRIORS ”


SO IT WAS 
A DOSE OF SKY JUICE 
DID THE TRICK 
 chalk  one up for   old  H G Wells 

BUT THEN CAME THE UNEXPECTED
   
 seems as might be expected 
the higher ups ordered a preliminary
field  test of the spray 
 before moving on to 
actually building 
the SUN HAWKS 

they set up along one stretch of the border 
firing the magic patented air force developed liquid 
 out of manually operated hoses 
and sure enough it knocked
 those little brown peckers right out 

come sun rise 
there they all were 
still sleeping like tired out goats 
ready and oh so easy 
to be carted away 
to the local  house of detention 


however turns out 
the gas used at this strength level 
 had an unanticipated consequence 

 far from creating the desired 
frightful and deterring event 
the spray “  experience ”
actually   became a magnet 
for any and all comers 

 apparently the knock down mist 
 produces amazing consequences 
 after awakening from its slumberous first phase  
one launches
into  a 48 hour 
 how can life be so fucking killer great 
manic  euphoria 

almost immediately 
 a  rapidly swelling  horde  
of  rapacious desperately
  thrill seeking  panchos
converged on the test strip 
 
I ‘ve gathered a few participant 
reflections from border officials 
and soldiers obviously none of it for attribution 

stuff like this fiasco though it happens pretty often 
  always gets  the toppest of top secret covers 

but people talk anyway just no one confirms 



“ god almighty they started coming at us in waves”

“  by the tens of thousands they came 
the more we sprayed the more they came ”

“ jesus all mighty two days in to it 
 we had the little  bastards 
coming at us from all sides at once  
they’d brave anything 
just to get another whiff of that shit 
entire armies of em 
we kept on soaking them down 
 and they kept on taking it in 
    like holy water for gods sake ”

“ they were piling up in front of us like 
cord wood only of course 
after a while they’d revive 
“ after a day or so of them dropping on each other 
about the bottom fifth of the stack 
was for ever  a riggling and a kicking and a  clawing 
trying to  free themselves from the piles ”


“ after 60 hours of this nonstop shit shoot 
 we were out of a six month supply
thats when the Army Rangers 
arrived  from fort Bowie ”
 
“ i’ll tell you one thing 
i wouldn’t want to have been them federales 
with what they had on their hands 
they had riots bonfires senseless gun play 
hideous beatings self  lynchings amputations
 blood every where 
and the crazy bastards would be laughing all the time 
like they were indestructible 
and more then anything 
 these loons wanted to be fucking 
and i mean serious serious got to get this bun off  fucking
and with anyone or anything and i mean  anything 
cats vultures car radiators jesus almighty 
and we’re not talking one throw  and its home
 no sir i swear i saw one guy come ten times in 30 minutes
he went up and down back and forth nonstop 
fucking a line of spray dropped compadres assholes
one after the other like they were a row of playboy bunnies ”

  “imagine giant balls of naked greasers 
rolling through the desert like tumble weeds
all forked into each other like breeding  snakes ”

---------------------------------------------------------
by the time the hosers
 finally got  the shut down order
and the Rangers were in position
apparently 
the mobs headed their  way 
were so savage for yet another   refill 
they couldn’t be stopped even with
mortar fire 

one trooper told me 

“ eventually we just opened up one them 
with every thing we had
 what the fuck else
 could we do ”
----------------------------------
  
well thats this episode rangers 


till next time
this ole dave saying 
keep it close 
and check your withholdings 
 

cause  gang 
 
whatever happens 
they  ain’t a quitten 
you can count on that
every time 

adios amigos