He spared me the spooky apparition-in-mist schtick this time, and just popped into visibility in his usual spot above the dresser. He was wearing a dark Brooks Brothers suit, a heavily starched white shirt, and those big clunky Presidential-seal cufflinks he always liked. The bottle of Haig & Haig is already in place, not as full as last time, and something in the former President's manner suggests that he's already had a hit or two.
Me: Uh, hello, Mr. President. [feeling a little bold] What happened to the Caesar outfit?
N: Ahh, shit, y'know, it wasn't really me. Always loved that stuff, but I could never carry it off. You remember my palace guard, don't you? With the marching band outfits?
Me: Sure do.
N: Now if it had been Mattress Jack Kennedy... they'da loved it. All the media types. Trendies. But old Dick Nixon, from Yorba Linda... no way was Dick Nixon gonna get away with a Camelot thing. Nossirree. [He takes a thoughtful pull from his glass of Scotch, and broods.]
Me: So what did you think of the 9/11 report? No Iraq link? Is that going to be a problem for your, uh, successor?
N: [Shakes his head with an air of what-fools-these-mortals-be wonderment] Fucking liberal media. Can't see what's right in front of their noses. Gotta have a police report before they can connect the dots.
Me: Sir?
N: It's the oil, goddammit.
Me: Well, sir, that has been suggested from time to time.
N: No, no, that's not what I mean. It's not just oil in general. You know the oil is running out, right? I mean, shit, that's been in the papers, even. I can tell you the boys in the know are aware of it. Believe you me, brother.
Me: [Curious] Are you omniscient? I mean, in your present, uh, condition of existence?
N: [Eyes dart around nervously] Omniscient? Hell no. Don't even say that. But we do have a, uh, limited capacity to follow Earthly events in which we have an interest. [He sounds like he's quoting]
Me: I see. [I don't really, but I want to hear more about this oil business] So anyway, the oil is running out...
N: Yeah. Well, not exactly running out. But the end is in sight. Those fuckin' Saudis have been claiming more than they've really got for years, decades even. Now it's close enough that the Great Powers are gonna start grabbing what they can. This Iraq thing, you might call it Oil War One. There'll be more. Wait'll the Japs start feeling the pinch. Oil was one of their war aims last time, remember? And the Chink-- uh, the Chinese don't have much of their own, and you know they all wanna drive cars now. [He smiles smugly] Boy, I did a number on them too, didn't I? So you put China and Japan together on the consumer side, and then the Russkis have got it but their state structure and armed forces are a joke and -- well, you fill in the blanks.
Me: Wow. Scary. And so the Iraq war --
N: Grab while it's still there to grab. I mean, think about it. Does any other explanation make sense? Terrorism ? Don't make me laugh. [He smiles that scary upper-teeth-only smile of his, and I really DON'T want to make him laugh.] A Bush family vendetta against that punk Hussein? Great powers don't fight wars over mickey-mouse shit like that. Besides, the Bushes don't really amount to much. All that Junior League bullshit, sure -- stuffed shirt assholes from Yale -- but they don't really swing any weight. And as for promoting democracy in the Middle East -- [Now he does laugh, and it's a terrible thing to see. As if on cue, a rooster crows. ]
Me: [Annoyed] What's with the rooster?
N: Tradition. Gotta go. Ask me about the so-called Presidential campaign next time. [He vanishes in a puff of Scotch-smelling smoke.]